Sex/Lifes new mum Billie is having mind-blowing sex when I didnt want a penis near me

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The plot was flimsy, the dialogue sniggerworthy, and the background music was the kind last heard in a Danielle Steele adaptation circa 1984. Yep, the flaws in Sex/Life have been well noted.

But once I’d cracked open a bottle of Sauvignon and got stuck in, I didn’t leave my sofa until all eight episodes had been hungrily binged, rather like my wine.

Clearly, my Friday evenings aren't that wild or indeed – as a working, single mum – very energetic. Unlike our rampantly horny heroine Billie (the impossibly stunning Sarah Shahi) who’s caught in a love triangle with her all-American hunky husband Cooper (Mike Vogel), and Aussie bad boy ex, Brad (Adam Demos).

Bored, 30-something housewife Billie has a young baby and a toddler. I remember those days well, my hair – thinning from a postpartum hormone crash – went unwashed for days, and I lived in tracksuit bottoms and maternity tops featuring those oh-so-attractive ‘boob flaps’ for easy feeding access.

Billie, however, sports a gloriously thick, glossy mane and a toned, super taut size six bod. She has make up on her face, not toddler mush.

When Billie pops out her (entirely pert and vein-free) bosoms to breastfeed she’s not slumped out in front of Peppa Pig. Oh no, she's dreamily picturing hot sex with her ex. And Billie is more than happy to frequently – and I mean FREQUENTLY – bounce those same perky little Kendall Jenner-esque trigger fighters up and down topless on her men.

While most new mums’ favourite bed fantasy involves clean sheets and five hours uninterrupted sleep, insatiable Billie wants SEX, sex and more sex. It’s truly admirable.

Specifically, sex with her incredibly well hung ex. (See episode three’s shower scene, at 19.50 minutes. You’re welcome). And yes, that IS Adam Demos’ actual willy (no wonder Sarah Shahi hooked up with the blessedly-endowed actor in real life.)

Many women, in terms of discomfort levels, have described childbirth as ‘sh***ing out a watermelon’. They’re lying. After three vaginal births I can confidently assure you that it’s far worse.

Especially if the watermelon has to be wrestled out with a pair of forceps. My poor, bruised vagina! My second degree tear! The last thing I wanted post-labour was a penis anywhere near me, let alone a monster like Brad’s.

But Billie is clearly no regular new mum. While I was so shattered I once considered snorting pro-plus to cope with the night feeds, she hankers after athletically vigorous bonking – and what’s more, she even finds the time to write about it in a sex diary (nope, I didn’t have one of those either).

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Naughty Billie leaves it open on her laptop for hubby Cooper to read. Luckily, initially at least, this works a treat and results in Cooper taking her roughly from behind over the marble kitchen counter top in what she happily confesses to her friend is the ‘best sex she’s ever had with him’.

Oh, and did I mention that multitalented Billie is able to (loudly) achieve orgasm in 10 seconds flat – the time it takes the rest of us to turn a vibrator on? Of course she can!

Eventually, Billie decides it’s time to spice up her tedious martial bonking. Not with a bog standard trip to Ann Summers with hubby, instead she whisks Cooper off to an orgy. Lady, I salute you.

Sex/Life’s soft porn nonsense was undoubtedly the silliest TV I’ve watched this year – and I loved every second.

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