KEEPING up with an active sex life can be difficult for some, life can get in the way and it can sometimes leave you wondering where it is all going wrong?
Studies have shown that the pandemic has taken a major toll on our sex lives, with an increased number of people having less desire to get frisky between the sheets.
And to understand where our desire has gone, relationship expert and sexologist Dr Nikki Goldstein is here to help.
Speaking on Body+Soul’s daily podcast Healthy-ish, she redefines what libido is and how you can refresh your sex life.
“There’s no such thing as normal when you think about how much you want it,” she says.
“We also have to look at your expectations around how much sex you should be having in your life and, or, how much you should be wanting.”
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For women, stress can be a major inhibitor.
She says: “Let’s actually think about what happens in a day when you’re really stressed and maybe you’ve got work commitments, family commitments.
“When you lay down and you don’t let those thoughts go out of your head, you’re stressing about ‘Oh I got to do this’.”
“Your body probably feels really icky because everything is a bit tense…it’s not really the best environment to be having sex with your partner.”
Dr Goldstein says: “In a relationship, over the years, we do continue to hurt each other over and over again, and we tend to push a lot of that under the rug.
“Resentment is one of the biggest killers…you can get to a point where you’re holding onto that resentment, and you’re not sorting your stuff out and when your partner gives you ‘that nudge’ and wants to have sex with you, you go, ‘Why the hell would I want to have sex with you when for the last five years you can’t remember to do all the things I’ve been asking you to do’.”
Sex in relationships tends to occur when you wake up in the morning or before you go to sleep at night, which also happen to be the times of day when you’re most drowsy.
She says: “It’s like this mad rush of quick, quick, gotta get to bed, head hits the pillow, I’m exhausted.
“Same thing in the morning, I’m not a morning person so it takes me forever to wake up and get going.”
Body confidence and medical reasons
Dr Goldstein says that not feeling 100 per cent confident in your skin can be a sexual inhibitor.
She add: “That can see you actually pull away from your partner because it doesn’t feel good to be touched because you’re feeling a bit icky in your skin, and a bit self-conscious.
“There’s all these things that factor into it as well, as even the medical side, that women are not educated about and they’re not aware of what can go wrong with what they’re doing.”
“Women get to this point where they scratch their heads and think ‘so why do I not want sex’.
Women get to this point where they scratch their heads and think ‘so why do I not want sex
"It’s a real commonsense kind of thing to look at this puzzle, but yet we don’t have those conversations about female sexuality and how we view sex.”
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